


You Win, You Lose

by Runningfortocome, sameolsituation



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Coming Untouched, Competition, Crack, Explicit Sexual Content, Fingering, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Multi, Sex competition, poly!Queen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-09-26 01:42:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20381608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Runningfortocome/pseuds/Runningfortocome, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sameolsituation/pseuds/sameolsituation
Summary: A debate over who has the most talented fingers in the band goes awry and leads to a ridiculous competition among the members.orCrystal really wishes he had never brought any of this up.Dork lovers server inspired fic. Thanks to @catnip for the idea.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So an interesting conversation in the dork lovers discord server sparked this idea. This is pretty silly but it might make you laugh. I'll update with the rest of it soonish. Sorry if you've been reading my other fic and are waiting for the next part to many happy returns or been enragin' the folks. I swear both of those are coming along. But the muse wanted to do angst or this and I can't write angst so y'all are getting this. Many thanks to catnip, RD, annieapple24, sammyspreadyourwings and everyone else who participated in this conversation.
> 
> (side note: I probably won't write all the smut, cause that's a lot of smut. But if you want to write some of the smut, you are more than welcome to. lmk)

“Hey boys, care to settle a bet?” Crystal approached the band, which was in a massive cuddle pile backstage after a gig. 

“Sure,” Brian lifted his head up from Johns shoulder and shifted Freddie in his lap so he could see Crystal.

“Who’s best at fingering?” The cuddle pile began to break apart as four faces turned to look at Crystal askanse. 

“Why would you ask something like that?” Roger was the first to speak, pinning Crystal with a glare that would have scared maybe a small bunny, maybe. 

“Well we were talking and Ratty reckons that John would be best, cause he works the bass really well.” John preened and smirked at everyone else.

“Hmm, you have a point.” Freddie had a thoughtful look on his face. 

“No way, I’ve made Roger cry before when I used my fingers.” Brian decided to cut in, he was proud of his skills with his fingers, both on the stage and in the bedroom. 

“We’ve all made Roger cry before.” John pointed out, making Roger blush slightly. 

“Freddie and Freddie, who’s better? John or me?” 

“Really I can’t say, I’d have to take a page out of your book and have a scientific approach to it, gather some data.” 

“You know, I’m pretty good at fingering all of you.” Roger had turned his glare on the rest of his bandmates. 

“You are, love,” John stroked his back but Roger refused to cuddle back into him “But clearly this is a competition between Brian and me.”

“That’s unfair, Fred, tell them I’m best.”

“Now you’re leaving me out of it too! I’d like to think I have some skills.” Freddie now looked offended. The cuddle pile had broken up by now, Brian and John glaring at each other and Freddie and Roger with hurt looks on their faces. 

“I mean, you guys don’t really have to settle the bet.”

“No, now it’s a matter of honor.” Roger had an expression on his face that Crystal had seen before. He knew it meant he did not want to be involved in whatever was coming next so he decided to remove himself from the dressing room and hide.

\--

Several days later, Crystal was summoned to a meeting of the band. A chart and a schedule, written by Brian sat on the table. Crystal had been hoping that the boys had simply shagged the argument out of each other after he’d left the room but clearly that was not the case. He settled in with a sigh, wishing for a way out of this he knew wasn’t going to come. 

Brian began to read the rules.

Rules

1\. You may only use your fingers

(“That seems fair.”

“Yeah we aren’t going to let you do that tongue thing.”

2\. No fisting 

(“Why not?” 

“Not really a skill, no real finesse in shoving your whole hand up there,”

“fair”)

3\. You must rank each person

4\. You can’t put yourself in the rankings

(“I mean, it kind of defeats the purpose.”

“Are you saying you’d rank fingering yourself higher than one of us fingering you?”

“No, but some people  _ cough _ *Brian* _ cough _ might.”

“You think my ego’s that big?”

“I know it is.”)

5\. You can only finger or be fingered on each night. And only once.

(“this is getting complicated”

“It’ll make sense when you see the schedule I wrote out,”)

6\. You must write down your rankings and give it to Crystal

(“Why am I involved again?”

“I pay you.”

“Not enough for this.”)

  1. The winner will be given the title of Fingering Master

(“is this all the rules?”

“Yeah, but you’ll be glad I came up with them.”)

“So seeing as we got that sorted, can I go now?” Crystal stood up and made to leave. 

“Yeah, just remembered to tally up the votes. We should have all of it done in two weeks time.” Brian said, shuffling the papers on the table in front of him. 

“Thanks Crystal.” 

“Yeah thanks”

“Ta”

“You really don’t pay me enough for this.” Crystal left before he could hear any more about the plans for this competition. He was already far too involved in this mess.

\--

Night one:

Roger fingers John, Freddie fingers Brian

Night two

Brian fingers John, Roger fingers Freddie

Night three

John fingers Freddie, Roger fingers Brian

Night four:

Freddie fingers John, Brian fingers Roger

Night five:

Freddie fingers Roger, John fingers Brian

Night six

John fingers Roger, Brian fingers Freddie

“Jesus fuck that’s confusing.” Roger gripped. Crossing his arms as he leaned back in teh char. 

“You better stick to the schedule, because it took me ages to come up with.” Brian was defending himself. His hair fluffing up to new heights in his agitation. 

“Way to make sex unsexy Brian.”

“I feel middle aged, scheduling sex.” John added his complaint into the mix while snuggling into Freddie’s shoulder on the couch. The dark haired man wrapped an arm around him and pulled John onto his lap.

“I mean, if you all just want to admit I’m the best-”

“No”

“I am”

“Unlikely darling”

“-then we need to keep to the schedule.”

“Fine, but tonight I want all of you.” Roger pouted and stood up, dropping back down again in John’s lap and causing Freddie to let out a puff of air at the added weight of the blond. 

“We’ll start the schedule next week. I think that can be arranged for now.” And now Brian was on the couch, rescuing Freddie from underneath the two youngest members who were now making out heatedly.

\--

Roger:

Roger wasn’t sure if he was going to win. He knew he was pretty good at fingering the others. And his wrists were pretty flexible, so he could get good angles. He could also make a rhythm and stay on it. But he didn’t have the most dexterous fingers, not quite like Brian or Freddie who’s fingers he’d watched dance over their instruments. No Roger wasn’t sure if he was going to win, but he damned well going to try his hardest. At this point it was a matter of pride.

John:

John felt he had this in the bag. His fingers were long and calloused. He could play each of the boys like his bass and he knew how to make them sing. Brian might be good at the delicate stuff, but he always got distracted when fingering someone. He’d use his head and start thinking and have to add something new into the mix. Brian might win an oral competition, but he certainly wouldn’t be winning this competition, not if John had anything to do.

Freddie:

Freddie wasn’t too concerned about the competition. He knew he could make any of his boys cum and he loved doing it. He would try, but Freddie wasn’t going to be upset if he lost. He did love the competitive streak this had brought out in John and Brian. He was looking forward to the results. 

Brian:

Brian knew he had to win. He’d staked his pride on this. Honestly he couldn’t understand why Freddie and Roger thought they had any chance. He played an instrument that required such precision with his fingers that he probably could have been a surgeon if he’d wanted. There was no way he was losing. Sure, John was good. But Brian was pretty sure he could turn everyone into a blubbering mess faster than John. Fingering was delicate work, something that required precision and John was good but bass playing really didn’t have that same delicacy as guitar. Brian had to win, he had to. 

Crystal:

Crystal really really regretted ever being a part of this. Like ever. He couldn't believe he was being dragged into their sex lives in this way. He was glad they hadn’t suggested finding a third party to test this on because he was sure that would have fallen on him. Well, he might not have minded that but still, best to keep things platonic with one’s employer and employer’s boyfriends. Crystal was really regretting this. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a hot moment but I hope you enjoy this. There will be another part for the rest of the nights and then a final part with Crystal being forced to share the results. I'll be honest, this chapter did make me laugh while writing it. Let me know if you liked it or have any predictions about who is going to win.

**Night One:**

Roger fingers John, Freddie fingers Brian

“Well loves, looks like we have an interesting evening ahead of us.” Freddie remarked. 

“Oh yes, I’m looking forward to it.” Roger smirked back at him. They were all in the fortunately empty elevator, headed up to their rooms after the gig. John looked at his freshly showered bandmates, hopped up on adrenaline and maybe some nerves. He was slightly disappointed tonight he didn’t get a chance to compete but he was looking forward to some alone time with Roger.

“Well, we have two hotel rooms, so I guess John and Roger in this one, me and Brian here.” Freddie interrupted John’s thoughts as they got to the doorways. 

“Enjoy yourselves.” 

“Oh you’ll be able to hear how much John is enjoying himself.” 

“Shut up Rog, let’s just go now.” and before Roger could pull John into the room, he was stopped by Brian who was handing him a piece of paper.

“Here John, you might find this helpful.” John eyed the paper, it seemed to be a chart of some sorts. Realizing what it was, he closed his eyes and prayed for patience with Brian.

“Brian, did you really make a fucking score card so you could rate each session?” 

“Yes.”

“You know I love you,”

“Yes?” There was clearly a but coming and Brian could tell he wasn’t going to like it.

“But jeseus fuck Brian! Get out of your head for once.”

“Well if you don’t want to use it.”

“There’s no chance in hell.” And the door slammed behind him.

\--

Several hours later John was standing over a sleepy Brian, looking flushed. 

“Give me a copy.”

“Changed your mind?” Brian blinked up at him, blearily, still managing to add a note of smugness to his voice.

“Fuck you.”

“Not till night five.”

* * *

  


**Night Two**

Brian fingers John, Roger fingers Freddie

Tonight’s elevator ride was charged with tension. Brian and John had been playing off of each other’s intensity during the concert and it made for an explosive time. Finally John broke the silence:

“You know I still think I’m going to win.”

“Yeah, and tonights where I dissuade you of that notion.”

“Lets just get this over with.” 

\--

The door slammed behind John, causing Roger and Freddie to look at each other.

“Freddie love, are you also, uh,”

“Scared of Brian and John? Oh yeah.” 

“Judging by the expressions on their faces, I’m not sure if either one of them is going to come out of that room alive tonight.” They opened their own door and walked into the adjoining room.

“They are either going to have great hate sex or tomorrow we are all in trouble.”

\--

“Morning.” Roger came down to breakfast. He was surprised to find only Freddie, usually John would be up as well by this time. Brian was less likely to be up, woe betide the person who woke Brian up before he was ready.

“Morning Rog.” Freddie buttered a piece of toast.

“No sign of our stubborn boys?” Roger slid in next to him and stole the toast from Freddie’s plate. 

“No, I think they may have finally done each other in.”

“What,” Crystal slid in next to Roger and stole the now twice purloined toast, “are you talking about?”

“John and Brian, we think they may have finally killed each other.” Freddie said, matter of factly as he got another piece of toast. 

“What.”

“Well last night was Brian fingering John. And based on the noises we could hear they either had a great time or are now lying there in pools of blood.”

“So it’ll be your job to help us hide the bodies.” 

“There’s no way that’s in my job description.”

“Check clause five, paragraph c,” a tried looking John slid into the other side of the table with Brian’s arm slung around his shoulders. 

“So last night went okay then?”

“I finally got John to admit Brighton Rock isn’t that bad.” John looked like he wanted to argue that point but shifted and winced. Brian grinned, looking far too pleased with himself. 

“How the fuck did you manage that?” Crystal was well aware of John’s intense dislike of Brighton Rock to the point where he threw peanuts into Brian’s curly mane during the concerts.

“Turns out, it feels very enjoyable when you play it in someone’s arse. The trick is to-”

“La La La I’m not going to listen to that.” Crystal had raised his hands to his ears. 

“I mean you can read all about it on the evaluation Deacy wrote.” Brian didn’t even have the grace to look ashamed of talking about this over breakfast. 

“The evaluation?” Crystal was pretty sure he didn’t want to know the answer but he figured this was going to be key.

“Yeah, here’s my sheet from last night.” Roger handed over his sheet and Crystal blanched. 

“Why, is there a category for that?”

“For what?”

“I’m not about to say that outloud.” Crystal pointed.

“Oh, well it’s optional.”

“But why would, how does that even work?”

“Do you want a demonstration?” Roger looked prepared to do a demonstration for him, right there at the breakfast table, he grabbed a bagel and some jam. 

“So imagine this is-”

“I’m good, I’m good.” Crystal beat a hasty retreat, this was why he never got breakfast with the band, he remembered that now.

* * *

**Night Three**

John fingers Freddie, Roger fingers Brian

“Dear, I love you so much.” Freddie was laying on the bed, looking blissed out of his mind as John flopped down next to him, discarding the towel he’d just used to wipe him off.

“Freddie, I’m not going to believe that if you just had an orgasm.” 

“I really love you though. Like, you make my heart happy.”

“That’s really cheesy.” John was stroking Freddie’s hair and giving him little kisses. 

“I want all the cheesy with you dear. I want the white picket fence and house and 2.1 children and mortgage. I want to marry you and have a wedding and see you and Rog in white dresses.” Freddie closed his eyes, picturing it. He didn’t notice John had turned away.

“It’s a nice thought.” 

“Isn’t it?”

“Yeah” And now Freddie heard the sniffle. 

“Darling what’s wrong? You’re crying.” John rolled over to face away from Freddie, who sat up and reached out to him.

“I’m just thinking about it. I’d love some kids. A little one running around with your eyes, or Brian’s hair. A baby that looks like Roger and me.” 

“Oh love.” Freddie sighed.

“But I know we can’t. There’s all the logistics. And we couldn’t bring a kid on tour. It’s a dumb dream. I just think about it sometimes.” John sat up now and Freddie wrapped an arm around him. John leaned on Freddie’s shoulder.

“Hey, nothing’s impossible. We could make it work if you really wanted to. We can rope the roadies into babysitting and there’s four of us, we’d be able to handle a kid just fine.”

“But the press and everything else…”

“Dear, is this really something you want?” Freddie moved to hold both of John’s hands in his own and looked into his stormy grey eyes. 

“Yes.” John admitted, smiling a bit.

“Then we’ll figure it out. I think you’d look darling holding our kid.”

“Our kid.”

“Yes. We’ll talk to Brian and Roger after this dumb competition thing is done.”

“Okay, can I be the little spoon tonight?”

“Of course.”

And they settled in together. 

\--

“Roger, I’m not one of your drums.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You don’t need to finger me in ¾ time.”

“I did not finger you in three- four time. That would be a waltz, I’m not fingering you to a waltz.”

“Well it felt like that.”

“Fuck you. I would never do three-four time. You have no sense of rhythm.”

“Wait till tomorrow night and you’ll see.”

“If you finger me in waltz time I swear to god I’ll leave and join Freddie and John.”

\--

Crystal really really regrets everything he ever did to deserve this. It’s soundcheck now, and the tension in the air is thick enough to cut. Roger has been persnickety about his drums, forcing Crystal to swap out the skins and flinging his drumsticks every which way. Brian has decided to do his full guitar solos during runthrough, which is unusual, as he can usually be persuaded to skip them for the sake of time. He and Roger keep making pointed remarks about rhythm back and forth to each other and Crystal really don’t want to know what its about. 

“You’re lagging Brian!” Roger is now shouting out. “People are going to fall asleep if you go this slow tonight. I’m going to fall asleep if you go this slow later.”

Crystal can see the tension in Brian’s shoulders and he seems to slow down even more. Normally Crystal can rely on Freddie and John to exert some calming influence on the two more hot headed members of the band, but they seem to be in their own world.

The two of them are talking now, heads bent together and Freddie has been suggesting they add a bunch of John songs to the setlist tonight. The love songs. Crystal can’t help but notice the obvious contrast of how loving and sweet Freddie and John are being with each other and the daggers Brian and Roger are now glaring at each other.

Crystal hears a crash from the drum kit. 

“I’m done for today.” Roger is storming off, Brian looks murderous and John and Freddie still aren't paying attention. Crystal gives a sigh and follows his boss, reflecting once again that he really isn't paid enough. 

* * *

**Night Four:**

Freddie fingers John, Brian fingers Roger

The door slammed open and Roger rushed into Freddie and John's room, disturbing the men who were cuddled in the bed. 

“I’m sleeping in here.”

Brian came behind him, banging the door again. 

“Rog, be reasonable,”

John was very confused. 

Bang. This time it was Crystal who appeared in the doorway. Looking haggard. 

“I’m sorry. Okay? I thought you’d be in your hotel room, how was I supposed to know that you would still be in the dressing room.”

“You aren’t the one who needs to apologize!” Roger was trying to jump into bed with Freddie and John, the former of whom was trying to cover them up in case any more of their crew piled into the already full hotel room. John was definitely awake now, despite Freddie's best effort to keep him still and when he sat up, everyone in the room went deathly quiet.

“What the fuck is going on?”

“Well Rog-”

“Brian forgot lube-”

“-eyes are burning-”

John held up a hand and everyone went silent again

“And this was important enough to disturb my sleep?”

“No”

“Sorry Deacy.”

“Sorry.”

And with that the three men trudged out. Freddie kissed the top of John’s head and pulled him in closer.

“I like it when you get all scary like that, love.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to Sameolsituation for helping me out with this one. They wrote night five for me! so send some love their way if you liked it

**Night five:**

**Freddie fingers Roger, John fingers Brian**

The competition was soon to be drawing to a close, and Freddie was certain he was going to win. He was sure his dexterity and speed on the piano whenever they performed Seven Seas of Rhye was proof enough of that.

Of course, he also knew that Roger thought the same thing about himself. And to be fair, when Roger had gotten his hands on Freddie a few days back, Roger had been fairly talented and skilled in the area of getting Freddie off using his fingers alone.

But when it had been Freddie’s turn to get down to business, he’d left both Brian and John a mess, and he didn’t think it would be very difficult to leave Roger in the same state. 

During their show that night, Roger seemed unusually restless, even by Roger Taylor standards. He was a blur of motion and energy both on and off the drums, and when they got back to their shared hotel room after the show, Roger was all over Freddie when he’d barely gotten the door shut behind him.

“Are you really  _ that  _ ready to see just how much better I am than you at this?” Freddie asked when Roger gave him a second to breathe.

“No, I’m  _ that  _ ready to see that  _ I’m _ much better than you at this,” Roger answered, a challenge in his grin. 

“Then expect disappointment, darling.” 

* * *

Meanwhile, in the neighboring hotel room, a heated argument between Brian and John was quickly escalating. They both felt very strongly about the competition, to the point that any time they weren’t on stage, they were at each others’ throats about it -- sometimes quite literally. 

John was still more than perturbed at Brian’s dirty little trick a few nights before -- who had the audacity to bring a song they knew their lover loathed into the bedroom and use it against them? Granted, John could now begrudgingly admit that the guitar licks in the song weren’t that bad, given that his arse was sore for a day afterwards, but to him it felt like a blatant disrespect of the grounds of the competition; an excessive means of boundary-pushing.

Still, he was looking forward to Brian’s reaction to discovering what the energetic bass solo in Liar truly  _ felt  _ like. 

But Brian was so confident in his own abilities in this competition that he apparently just couldn’t stop talking about his temporary victory over John, so smug that he’d gotten to John in the heat of the moment that Brian couldn’t resist plainly rubbing it in his face.

His inability to shut up was becoming more than a nuisance at the moment, but John figured he would just have to  _ make  _ Brian shut up.

* * *

The first touch had Roger squirming impatiently, even though it was hardly more than Freddie’s hand smoothing over the inside of Roger’s thigh, teasing him with the promise of more. He’d already slickened his fingers with a decent amount of lube, but he appeared to be taking his sweet time in actually putting those fingers to good use. 

Roger was on the verge of whining and complaining when Freddie pressed a finger into him without warning, his pace slow enough to bring Roger to irritation. Just before he could actually complain, Freddie was pressing another finger into him and letting the two sink deep, curling them expertly and making Roger forget all complaints as the pleasurable sensation of being filled echoed throughout his body. 

Freddie allowed him a few moments to adjust to the feeling before he began to fuck Roger with those fingers in earnest, knowing that if he didn’t get right to the point, Roger would soon find his complaints once more. But he seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself, moaning with every inward push, his cock laying hard against his stomach and shining wetly with precum.

Freddie spread his fingers apart inside Roger, pressing and turning and twisting to hit all the right spots. True to what Freddie had expected, Roger seemed close already, drawing in shallow breaths and trembling as Freddie fucked him. He was always the first to come when all four of them were in bed together, but tonight he seemed more sensitive than usual, more receptive to even the gentlest touch. 

Freddie tentatively pressed his ring finger against Roger’s entrance, testing whether he could take another finger, or if it would be too much and tip him over the edge. He managed to slip his ring finger all the way inside Roger, but as soon as he spread his fingers out to stretch Roger out even more, it was like he had flipped a switch inside Roger’s body.

Roger tensed and gasped and clenched tight around Freddie’s fingers and somehow came untouched, spilling over his stomach and even his chest as the tension slowly drained out of him. He was panting as his orgasm subsided, trying to recover from the sudden impact and its intensity.

“Well, I’d say I must be doing something right,” Freddie mused. 

* * *

John had to touch upon his more strict side to get Brian to finally shut up so they could get to the important part of the night, kissing him fiercely to stop the flow of words from his lips and then threatening to gag Brian with whatever was within reach. In the end, he didn’t gag Brian, but he did tie Brian’s wrists together with his own shirt to stop Brian’s hands from wandering.

After all, who knew what other little tricks Brian would try to play on him to get the advantage in the competition? 

After that, it wasn’t too difficult to get Brian positioned and ready, with Brian quieting into something more submissive once his hands were bound together. John laid him out flat on his back across the hotel room mattress, his hands resting atop his stomach and his cock half-hard and twitching in anticipation as John reveled in the sight of Brian laid out naked and waiting for him.

John took his time in applying the lube, preferring to watch Brian get riled up and impatient the longer John failed to touch him. At least ten minutes passed before he finally settled himself in between Brian’s spread legs, carelessly tossing the bottle of lube to the side as he shifted closer to press a finger into Brian without warning.

“Come on, open up for me,” John coaxed; Brian seemed fairly tense even as his cock bobbed with every touch, and if he didn’t find a way to ease up, they’d never get anything done tonight. Brian inhaled deeply and exhaled, his body relaxing some and allowing John to push in deeper, until the entire length of his index finger was inside Brian. 

John allowed Brian only a minute or two of respite before he was adding a second finger alongside the first, making Brian moan and push back against him as his need and want increased, somehow equivalent to the amount of contact John offered him. John spread the two fingers apart once the second had filled Brian completely, stretching him out and preparing him for more to come.

John had a little dirty trick of his own planned. When all was said and done, Brian wouldn’t know what had hit him -- quite literally, John supposed. Brian was starting to moan as though he wanted more than just a couple fingers inside him, but John was going to take even more time to get there -- if Brian wanted to argue with him and be difficult, then he was going to reap his punishment.

John started to fuck Brian on those two fingers, though he maintained a lazy, slow pace that would be more torturous than pleasurable, giving him only the slightest tease of the pleasure he sought.

Sure enough, Brian was complaining within minutes.

“John, I need more,” Brian panted, desperately trying to push down against John’s fingers and groaning in disappointment when John moved with him, preventing Brian from attaining any more pleasure. 

“Ask nicely and I’ll consider it,” John hummed. 

“ _ Please, _ ” Brian begged, desperation beginning to creep into his voice. John was almost amused -- how did Brian think he stood any chance of winning the competition when he was this needy so soon? 

John decided to let a few more minutes pass, spending time listening to the sound of Brian’s heavy breaths and little moans as John continued to tease him with only two fingers. Finally, he pressed his ring finger against Brian’s rim, carefully pushing just the tip inside and letting Brian adjust to the additional stretch. After some time, he let his finger slip in entirely, filling Brian completely.

Brian seemed content with the addition, but John had even more planned for him.

“Think you can take more?” John challenged him, knowing his competitive spark would never let him back down from a challenge. 

“You know I can,” Brian responded, albeit a bit breathlessly. “Give me everything you’ve got.” 

They’d never done more than three fingers before, so John was careful to be meticulous in stretching Brian out on the three fingers he had inside him before continuing further; he didn’t want to push Brian too far and accidentally hurt him. 

Brian seemed to be struggling to hold on, his cock twitching and leaking against his stomach, something that John barely refrained from commenting on.

“Ready?”

“Always,” Brian said firmly. John slowly pressed his pinky finger up alongside his ring finger to carefully add it to the three fingers he already had inside Brian. Brian gasped as John’s finger disappeared inside him, making him feel more filled than he ever had before, even when he’d had John’s cock buried deeply inside him. John’s fingers were  _ huge,  _ to say the least, and to have four of them inside him was like having twice the width of John’s cock instead.

Brian felt like he’d suddenly been shoved even closer to the edge; he was so close to coming that he could feel the need burning in the pit of his stomach, a warmth so dizzying he felt like he was delirious. 

“John, John, I can’t,” Brian panted, knowing he was too close to go back now.

“You can’t what?” John asked, pausing in his efforts with mild concern crossing his features, thinking perhaps he’d gone too far and pushed Brian past his limits.

“I’m --  _ fuck, _ ” Brian moaned as he came, John’s fingers inside him enough to push him over the precipice alone, his cock untouched but still spurting cum across his abdomen. John watched in slight amazement as Brian let go, carefully pulling his fingers free as Brian collapsed flat on the bed, exhaustion pouring from him in waves so strong they were palpable. John very helpfully wiped an excess of lube off his fingers onto Brian’s calf and quickly jerked himself to completion, coming with a groan over Brian and adding to the mess along his stomach. 

John figured he had this in the  _ bag. _

* * *

Roger was still catching his breath when Freddie sprawled out on the bed next to him, having given them both a decent post-shag cleanup (besides actually taking a shower, something neither of them could currently summon the energy for). 

“So, what did you think?” Freddie asked, lazily stretching himself out in a manner akin to one of his beloved cats. 

“Not bad, not bad,” Roger decided with a hum. His evaluation sheet lay discarded on the nightstand, still blank for the time being. He would get to it later -- partly because he just didn’t feel like filling it out now, and partly because he knew Freddie well enough to know that, whether out of pure curiosity or a surge in competitiveness, Freddie would probably take a peek at Roger’s answers while Roger slept. 

“I’m glad to hear that,” Freddie says, smiling softly at his sated boyfriend. The warmth of Roger’s body beside him was already beginning to lull him to sleep, and Freddie closed his eyes and let the urge overtake him.

* * *

In Brian and John’s hotel room, it was a different story. 

Apparently, the mess of cum on Brian’s stomach or the way he struggled to get off the bed to clean himself up in the adjacent bathroom wasn’t enough for him to concede his defeat, even though it was plain as day for John. He hadn’t even gotten a chance to properly finger Brian; all it took was an excess of fingers and Brian was shooting off untouched as if they were still teenagers. 

But when Brian returned from the bathroom on shaky legs, looking only a bit more stable than he had when he’d disappeared a few minutes prior, he downright refused to acknowledge the smug look on John’s face. 

“Come on, Bri, admit it,” John said. Brian huffed, the beginnings of irritation beginning to show on his pretty face. “You  _ know  _ I won. You’re just sore about it. Literally, perhaps.”

“I’m admitting nothing,” Brian answered tersely.

“Fine, then be difficult. It won’t change anything.” 

* * *

Night six

John fingers roger, Brian fingers Freddie

Final night, everyone was on edge. 

“Let’s do this thing!”

“I really wish you wouldn’t say it like that.”

“Oi, Crystal, do you want the score sheets tomorrow? So you can calculate the ranks?” Roger asked the man who had been trying to sneak away from the band’s post show celebrations in the dressing room.

“Please no.” Crystal groaned. “Can’t you just give me your personal rankings? Like from one to three? I don’t need to see those sheets ever again.”

“Oh yeah we could do that.” Freddie acknowledged, “but what happens if there’s a tie?”

“Crystal can be the tie breaker.” Roger said, nonchalantly. Crystal visabily paled. 

“That better not mean what I think it means.” 

“I mean in the event of a tie, we need someone who’s unbiased to help break the tie. Plus none of us have been with you before, so there’s no chance of cheating cause we won’t know what gets you off.” 

“I’m pretty sure this could be considered sexual harassment.”

“If you check your contract clause 13B you are expected to engage in any activity requested by the band, including but not limited to sexual activity, human food platter, animal wrangling, ect., it’s very comprehensive.” John noted. 

“There is no way it says that.”

“No it does.” Brian chimed in.

“Honestly dear, we include things like that for people to negotiate out of the contracts. Usually people read them and refuse to sign.” Freddie grinned and shook his head. Crystal decided to give it up and fled from the dressing room, followed by the sounds of laughter. 

Ratty and Jobby were standing beside one of the amps as it was being packed up, smoking and failing to do anything to help with packing, they turned as Crystal approached them, looking like he had seen a ghost. 

“Do you guys know about clause 13B in the contracts?”

“You mean the one that says the band can make us do anything? Of course. It’s the throwaway clause.”

“Yeah, it was the first thing I got out of my contract. That and the one where they get to use you for paintball practice.” 

“There’s a clause that says they can use us as paintball targets?”

“It’s right after the one that says we agree to fly in the cargo hold to keep the instruments safe.”

“Cargo hold?”

“Well I don’t, I just have to hold the Red in my lap during flights.” Jobby explained. 

“You did read your contract before signing it, right?”

“I read the important parts. The ones about compensation and vacation and not talking to the press.”

“Yeah, but you really need to read clause 13 in its entirety.”

“I don’t know anyone who didn’t negotiate their way out of some part of clause 13.” 

“Yeah, I think you might be fucked.”

“You have no idea.”

\--

“Last night.” Roger said, bumping John with his shoulder in the elevator.

“Yeah, I’m glad.” Brian remarked. “I’ve missed being with all of you.”

“There haven't been enough people in bed the last few nights. I miss snuggling with blondie while cold feet steals the blankets.” Freddie added.

“Hey! I’m not the one who steals the blankets. That’s you!” protested John. 

“But you do have cold feet.” 

“Because you take the blankets!”

“I roll off the bed when I’m not surrounded by others.”

“You roll out of bed even when we are there.”

“Yeah but it happens less.”

The elevator rang as they reached their floor.The men stepped out.

“See you in the morning boys.” Freddie and Brian’s room was first and they each gave John and Roger a hug before walking in.

“Ready to rock and roll?” Roger raised his eyebrows and wiggled them at John.

“That was terrible.”

“Oh come on, you love me.”

“Somehow I do.”

\--

Later in life when Crystal reflected on the worst parts of his job several would come to mind. Honestly agreeing to the job in the first place had been a mistake. The duck incident. The time he lost Roger on It’s a Small World and had to ride through it eight times before he finally found him somehow sitting with all the dolls, happily singing along. Every time Roger trashed his drumkit. But the one that stood out had to be the goddamned fingering competition. And it was arguably his fault.

\--

Crystal hesitated outside the dressing room door, he couldn’t put this off for much longer. The boys had given him their rankings, he’d tallied them up and come up with a final ranking. Crystal thanked every deity he did not believe in that there hadn’t been a tie. But it had been a few days now and they were expecting him to deliver the rankings. 

Crystal reluctantly pushed open the door to find the boys in a cuddle pile. There was an air of an important conversation and Brian was speaking

“It won’t be easy, but there’s four of us and we’ll be able to work it out-oh hi Crystal.”

“I can come back.” Crystal said, not wanting to enter what looked like such a loaded conversation. 

“Nah, it’s fine.” Roger said, from underneath John. “You must have the results.” The boys untangled themselves and sat on the couch.

“Here, sit down.” Brian grabbed a chair for Crystal so he could sit across from them. Crystal sat with trepidation, he wanted to be able to escape easily if they weren’t happy with the results. 

“Go ahead dear, how did it shake out?” Freddie asked. 

“Well, Freddie, you came in fourth.” 

“Sorry Fred.”

“I accept my defeat with all the grace I can.” Freddie held his head high. 

“Does that mean you are planning revenge?”

“Of course it means that Brian.”

“Erm, do you want to hear who’s in third place?”

“Oh yeah. Who is it?’ This was the one Crystal really wasn’t looking forward to. He was pretty sure this was going to be the one to set the boys off. 

“Uh, Brian.”

“What do you mean third?” Brian looked murderous and Crystal shrank back in his chair. Somehow Brian’s hair seemed to grow and Crystal had a momentary panic that a badger was about leap out and attack him. 

“I mean you came in third place.”

“Ha, and you were so sure you’d win!” Roger slapped Brian on the back, looking gleeful.

“There must be some mistake.”

“Nope, did the maths twice. Sorry Brian.”

“But. How. My talented guitar fingers?” Brian looked like he was really struggling with this. Roger wasn’t helping matters with his own little celebration going on right next to Brian.

“Ha, looks like me and you are in competition for the top spot Deaks.” 

“I’m pretty sure I beat you.” 

“John is right, he did come in first.”

“I accept the title of fingering king. You may give me my crown whenever.” John said this with such dignity that had Crystal been in possession of a crown, he probably would have handed it over.

“I’m glad it was you.” 

“Congrats love.”

“Hmpf” 

“So, I’m going to leave now.” Crystal decided to take his exit while they were distracted congratulating and consoling each other.

“Oh we have to tell you our news first!” Roger looked thrilled and Crystal prepared himself, sure they were going to ask him to judge a blowjob competition next. 

“We’re going to have a kid!” 

Crystal hasn’t processed this at all so he simply repeated Roger’s words.

“A kid.”

Crystal fainted. He would later reflect that the subsequent concussion he received from hitting the floor was a blessing in disguise. After all, it allowed him to take the next few weeks off and totally miss the planning and process of creating queen kid number one. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! leave a comment if you did. You can find me on tumblr @runningfortocome 
> 
> Also if you read any of my other stuff, there should be a chapter of Been Enragin the Folks up next week, I'm organizing a Breaky week for november (check out my tumblr for the dates), and theres a long form Breaky fic coming up. 
> 
> Thanks for reading this ridiculous fic. hope you got a laugh out of it at some point.


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